Sorry, I’m having a pity party on this Friday night. My last post focused on looking forward to a positive future and being thankful for the good things in my life. What a farce . . . the truth is, everything has been rough lately. I feel like I can’t even look at something without it blowing up into a complete disaster.
Work today was rough, without going into detail, I was thrown (via email with management copied) under a bus not once but twice and by the same people. While I know I’m not in trouble (because I document everything) those two episodes left me feeling pretty defeated, hurt, and upset. The temptation to fire off an email in response was so great, I closed my Outlook down to stop myself.
I was in tears the whole drive from work to school. My day continued to slide downhill even further when I called home to say hi to my son before class and touch base with my mom who watches him when I’m at school.
My mom in her usual negative style, went on and on about how my son was being difficult and now had a headache which prevented her from going to the grocery store because he needed to lay down. She wanted to get bread before the snowstorm predicted for our area hit tomorrow.
I offered to swing by the grocery store after class and pick up what she needed before coming home. “Oh no, I’ll get by,” she said. I had to bite my tongue to keep from lashing out that nobody likes a martyr. I love my mom, but she is so negative about everything, something is always bothering her. Our only conversations are how I did something wrong, could be doing something better, what I forgot to do, etc. The truth is I don’t even remember the last time she said something nice to me.
When I spoke to my son the downward spiral continued. He was still mad at me for making him do extra credit on his homework assignment this morning. His teacher had included a sheet of additional math problems with the homework last night. My son can do these problems in his sleep but apparently chose not to do them last night because they were optional. I discovered it this morning (I was in class last night) and made him sit down to do it. He was mad and actually yelled at me, “why would a parent do this to a child, when the teacher said I didn’t have to do it!” Needless to say he didn’t want to talk to me when I called.
All of this has done little for my mood, I am even tearing up as I write this. I’m stressed and exhausted and it seems like I can’t do anything right. I’m always letting down or disappointing someone.
Earlier this week, I sent out invites to my law school friends for our annual Secret Santa event that’s been tradition since our 1L year. This didn’t go well. I got a flood of calls, emails, and text messages about how I didn’t pick a good time for the drawing, why did so-and-so respond that their wife was coming – are spouses and partners now involved with the gift exchange (they aren’t but are invited to the actual exchange as in years past) . . . the complaints and requests for changes went on.
Why do I even bother? Oh yes, because, if I didn’t send something out, I’d get complaints about not organizing it. Does anyone ever thank me for coordinating this? No.
And of course the former (passive aggressive subject in previous posts) law school friend made a big production of letting all of us know she would NOT be participating this year. Of course, this sent another round of texts, emails, and phone calls about how I really must have done something to piss her off.
I also still haven’t heard from my sister. A week ago, I sent her a nice present from myself and my son for my nephew for his 1 year birthday. Haven’t gotten a thank you from her. This is the same sister who never gets a gift or sends a card to my son for his birthday. Why do I bother? Because it’s my only nephew and my son and I love picking out gifts for him.
And I also got roped into coordinating a surprise birthday party for another friend. The person who suggested it and wanted to do it, stopped short of actually organizing it and dumped it on me. So this week also involved another round of texts, phone calls, and emails with requests that I change the time, location, etc. UGGGGGHHHH
Normally, I can get past these types of things and stay positive.
The people at work will never change, this isn’t the first time something like today has happened. My mom will always have something to complain about. My son is human and has ”off” days just like everyone else. My friends are just as busy as I am so there will always be some kind of conflict for someone when an event is organized.
When these things happen, I keep smiling and move on as best as possible. I turn the other cheek if necessary, make adjustments to accommodate schedules when possible . . .
I tell myself that things will get better, at least I have a job, my mom isn’t trying to hurt my feelings intentionally, etc.
What’s different now is that in the past I had other areas in my life that were going well with little drama or negativity. But after weeks of nothing positive and dealing with situations like this non-stop with no reprieve, I can’t cheer myself up or talk myself into a better mood. Is it too much to ask for a thank-you or some positive feedback every once in a while?
When did everyone get so mean and negative? Why is everyone so hurtful? When did people stop saying kind words to each other?
Tonight, when I ask myself “why bother” the only answer I can come up with is “I have no F’ing clue”.
I am currently going through seeing the glass as half empty myself. I keep telling myself that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, but being cynical I sometimes wonder if that light is not a train speeding down towards me.
Big hugs. These are the worst sorts of days – hoping the weekend is a lot better!
Thought it might help to share with you how Robert Frost dealt with tough days:
The way a crow
Shook down on me
The dust of snow
From a hemlock tree
Has given my heart
A change of mood
And saved some part
Of a day I had rued.
Whenever I pose that question to myself my response is “because that is what I do.” This is a hellish time…hugs to you. Just remember this too will pass. My first year and for a part of my second year I did stuff like that, but after enough complaints that were total crap I tossed my hands in the air did the whole “if you think you can do it better good luck ’cause it is all yours.” Guess what happened….no one did crap again. C’est la vie! I had enough other crap in my life to keep me busy. Good luck to you girl!